I have no one else to turn to except to blog here. I feel lousy, I dun feel wanted at all. Watching NDP does not bring back feeling of home anymore, at least, not this year.
Many things changed. People, enviroment, things etc. It's getting scary and it's beyond my control. I feel all alone during family dinner today, I have no sense of belonging. I am not blaming anyone for this, it's all me and me again, no one else. I have to stop whining, I want to be happy and smile from the bottom of my heart once again. I dun like emo sentences, I hate to say that I may suffer from depression. I dun like it when I need to blame myself and push my life to an end. I know my friends get frustrated if I continue to whine abt my life. I used to cover and drown myself with hell loads of excuses just to make myself feel better. It nv work again.
At this point of time, dun tell me "go and rest early, tmr will be a better day". NO, it's not gonna be, it nv happen, nightmare remain or even gt worse. "You are wanted, I am here". THANKS, i am not being sarcastic, I know you're concern, I know I have great friends, all your love are greatly appreciated. However, if a word "Im here" will make me feel better, pls repeat a 100 times but sadly, no. In another words, NO ONE UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION BETTER THAN I DO. Dun tell me you understand because YOU DON'T.
I'm tired of all the nice and beautiful words. No words seems more beautiful than "family", no. You can never imagine my fear for tmr. Because I know it's not gonna be better but more frightening nightmares are awaiting me.
No one is able to wake me up from my terrible nightmare, I have to save myself from this. I know, but how?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm tired of sparing a thought for others, always put family and friends in the 1st place rather than myself. I am a whiner, yes but if I dun whine here, where else? I get tired of others whining too but I know exactly how it feels to be alone and helpless. I need god to save me.
p/s: I will nv go to e extreme of suicidal b cos i think it's dumb. I hope.. this option nv has to flash thru my mind.